Advice from a Therapist | Lying in Therapy
Have you been lying to your therapist?
Being less-than-truthful in therapy might seem counterproductive, but it happens more often than you might think. In fact, surveys of people in therapy suggest over 70% of people have lied to their therapist at least once about a topic relevant to their treatment.
A lot of these lies aren’t what we’d consider big whoppers. In fact, they’re often similar to the types of ‘little’ lies we might tell in our day-to-day lives: We say we’re ok when we’re really not. We cancel an appointment because we’re ‘sick’, but really we’re just tired and don’t feel like going out. We say therapy’s been helpful when actually we’re not really sure if it’s working.
Although lying to your therapist might be normal, it can still make it difficult to get the most out of your experience. And given the emotional, time, and financial investments you’re making to be there, it’s probably a habit worth breaking.
So, if you have been lying to your therapist, what can you do to get things back on track? Start by checking in with yourself about what’s behind your actions.
Four Reasons You Might Be Lying In Therapy
Is your therapist making you feel unsafe?
Are you not feeling cared for or listened to in your sessions? Or are you working with a therapist who doesn’t seem to respect you, your culture, or your identities? If that’s the case, it might be time to find a therapist who you can feel safer with. Those are baseline conditions for a good therapeutic relationship, which research has shown is the most important factor in treatment success.
On the other hand, you might be working with a therapist who is showing up with care and respect, but still feeling uncomfortable. Maybe you’ve had negative experiences with a therapist or the mental healthcare system, or other people in positions of authority. That’s totally fair—and trust has to be earned, especially when you’ve been harmed in the past. While you’re testing the waters, it’s often better to let a therapist know you’re not ready to talk about something than to lie about it. If they respond with pressure or shaming, that may be the sign you need to move on.
Are you feeling rushed?
Even if you have a great and trusting relationship with your therapist, you might still feel like therapy’s moving at a faster pace than you’re ready for. Maybe you’re feeling rushed to talk about something you’re not ready to discuss yet? Or being pushed to make changes faster than you’re ready to? Lying can, consciously or unconsciously, be a strategy to slow things down.
If you need to slow things down, it’s ok to say that. A good therapist should be able to hear you and change their approach, or the pace of therapy.
Are you feeling ashamed or embarrassed?
Shame makes us want to hide, and that can be just as true in therapy as in other areas of our lives. Hiding our ‘bad habits,’ embarrassing failures, or insecurities can become second nature. So maybe you find yourself avoiding telling your therapist that you hooked up with your ex, again, after spending all last session complaining about how awful they are. Or downplaying how much you’ve been drinking to manage your anxiety these days.
We all have a desire to be seen in a positive light, and it makes sense that we learn to hide parts of ourselves to protect that. It’s really, really normal. It’s ok to let us know that you haven’t been able to be fully truthful with us about something in the past. Processing shame with a therapist can be one of the most healing parts of the experience. A good therapist should be able to explore that with you, and not take a lie personally. In fact, when you’re able to bring up a previous lie, we usually see it as progress.
Are you people pleasing your therapist?
People pleasers seek safety and validation in relationships by putting others’ needs above their own. In therapy, people pleasing can look like pretending we’re doing better when we’re not. Or telling the therapist that an exercise or tool is more helpful than it actually is. People pleasers might be showing up as though therapy is something they’re trying to get an A+ in.
The intention behind people pleasing is often to ensure we’re liked, and protected from others’ potentially negative feelings about us. But being ‘a delight’ in therapy can be an enactment of the same patterns that are keeping you from getting your needs met in other areas of your life.
“It’s all grist for the mill”
I don’t know why psychology professors are obsessed with grist mills, but I heard this saying constantly when I was in school. Basically, it means that anything that happens in therapy can become a valuable part of the therapy process when we treat it as something to learn from. Yes, even lying!
If you’ve been lying to your therapist, try to think of it not as a moral failure, but valuable information. It might shed light on some patterns you’re engaging in in your personal life, or be a signal that something in therapy needs to change. Fessing up or changing your ways might be uncomfortable. But it can also be a step towards actually getting your needs met, or even having a breakthrough.
About the Author
Dr. Maya Borgueta is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Stella Nova Psychology. She offers online therapy in New York and California, with a focus on support for women and the LGBTQIA+ community. Her specialty areas include anxiety, burnout, workplace trauma, and immigrant mental health.
If you’d like to learn more about working with Dr. Borgueta or any of the therapists in our Stella Nova network, schedule a free, 20-minute consultation to get started today.
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