Books on Affairs & Infidelity | Advice from a Couple Therapist
If you’re reeling and overwhelmed after experiencing a betrayal in your relationship, you’re not alone. After learning of an affair, people often feel desperate to learn more about why infidelity happens, if it’s possible to move forward, and the steps they can take to heal.
With all the information available, it can be hard to know where to start! So we asked relationship expert, couples therapist, and certified bookworm Megan Sullivan-Tuba, LMFT to share a few of her own favorite books on the topic.
1. After the Affair (Janis Abrams Spring, Ph.D with Michael Spring) and Surviving Infidelity (Rona B. Subotnik, LMFT, and Gloria Harris, Ph.D)
I discovered these two books long before I became a therapist, and I still consider them to be essential to the literary canon on infidelity. They approach the impact of cheating from a clinical perspective and address the painful process from the crisis of discovery to finding a path forward towards healing.
They offer practical strategies for understanding the affair(s), rebuilding trust and intimacy, and recommitting to the relationship.
2. Affairs (The School of Life)
Dare I say this is a fun and short read. The School of Life describes itself as a global community that supports people to live more emotionally intelligent lives, and they have a vast catalogue of books related to human wellbeing. Other books in the relationship series include Dating, Relationships, Heartbreak, On Divorce and Stay or Leave.
Affairs tackles the evolution of opinions on affairs from a Western standpoint, exploring why they are appealing, why they happen, and why, despite the risks, they occur with great frequency. It also explores the impact of cheating on a relationship and how to recover.
3. Soulbroken (Stepanie Sarazin)
Stephanie Sarazin draws from her own personal experience discovering her husband’s affair to explore the larger topic of ambiguous grief—How do we recover when we lose someone, or the idea of them, who remains living. She provides a roadmap through the grief process, highlighting the importance of hope. She encourages us to engage in internal hope (choosing to focus on bettering ourselves) rather than external hope (e.g. wishing our partner would return to us in the form we once knew them). You can read more about my take on heartbreak, ambiguous loss, and healing through creativity on this Stella Nova Psychology blog post.
4. What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal (John Gottman and Nan Silver)
Here, Gottman and Silver attempt to get ahead of betrayal in relationships by focusing on the importance of cultivating trust. Earlier Gottman books focus on the importance of healthy communication and avoiding the traps of “the four horsemen”—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—but here, Gottman acknowledges he didn’t have the full picture. Even with the best communication skills, without trust a relationship will suffer. There’s an excellent chapter on infidelity that I like to share with partners who’ve been impacted by cheating in their relationship.
5. Heartburn (Nora Ephron)
Lastly, while infidelity is certainly no laughing matter, a little humor can go a long way during the process of healing. In this quick, semi-autobiographical read, Nora Ephron (Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally) introduces us to Rachel, a food writer whose marriage is unraveling due to her husband’s affair, much in the same way her first marriage did. It’s witty, spiteful at times, and chock full of quirky cooking tips.
About the Author
Megan Sullivan-Tuba, LMFT, is a licensed therapist offering online therapy for individuals and couples across California. She specializes in helping clients enhance intimacy and connection in their relationships while providing compassionate support for healing from infidelity, trauma, and loss.
If you’re looking for couples counseling or therapy tailored to your unique needs, connect with Megan or another skilled therapist at Stella Nova Psychology. Schedule a free, 20-minute phone consultation today.
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