DBT Skills | Interpersonal Effectiveness
Social interactions are complex. Although they seem to come more “naturally” to some people, many of us find them challenging. There are so many factors to consider: What’s the context of the situation? What outcome or consequences are likely? Is it worth it to speak my mind? What power dynamics are at play?
If you’re part of a marginalized group, even a seemingly innocuous conversation can have unwanted ripple effects. Privilege and power dynamics mean that we don’t all have the same social capital at home, work, or in the broader political climate. Many of us start to assess interactions through a lens of harm reduction. Although it can bring us a sense of control and self-protection, sometimes it can also hold us back, rather than fostering resilience as it once did.
What exactly *is* interpersonal effectiveness?
Interpersonal effectiveness is a framework that offers a more fluid approach to navigating social interactions. It challenges the all-or-none (e.g. success or failure) perspective that we tend to apply. Ever been cozy in bed but unable to fall asleep while an awkward social situation plays on repeat in your head? That’s all-or-none thinking at work.
Rather than focusing on details that fuel our inner critic, the outcome-oriented method of interpersonal effectiveness asks us to proactively clarify our priorities in a given situation. These insights guide us to act in a way that feels authentic, such as by centering our current values.
Clarifying priorities sounds challenging. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.
Many of us view any form of self-assertion, such as asking for help, as a potential inconvenience for others (hello fellow people-pleasers!) We try to avoid it at any cost—even if it impacts us negatively, like slowing us down or creating resentment.
Whether you’re expressing your needs or engaging in constructive conflict, be mindful of how you would support a friend or colleague in your situation. Many clients find that self-mirroring that type of compassionate, encouraging response is a useful stepping stone on the road to becoming their own best advocate.
Hmm ok, that makes sense! So how do I actually apply interpersonal effectiveness to my life?
Interpersonal effectiveness teaches us that there are three areas we might prioritize in any given situation: objectives, the relationship, or self-respect. In an ideal world, we would be able to address all three of these priorities equally. Realistically, however, there are trade offs. We often need to narrow them down to one (maybe two). Identifying which area to prioritize will help guide our choices on how to respond.
To illustrate how interpersonal effectiveness works, let’s follow the example of Selena, a BIPOC woman and the eldest daughter of immigrant parents—someone like many of the clients I work with. As an early career professional, she is in the process of making a name for herself in her field.
She wants to start dating, but she often finds herself spending time with her mom, who has a challenging personality. While driving to the grocery store, Selena informs mom that she has a date on Saturday and has to cancel the weekly family dinner. As mom pulls into the parking lot, her calm demeanor becomes defensive, accusing Selena of abandoning her.
Objectives Effectiveness: Obtain What You Need From Someone Else
When you prioritize objectives, your primary goal is getting a need met. This can encompass a wide scope of scenarios, from being taken seriously and having your rights respected to setting a boundary or expectation.
In Selena’s case, she identifies her key objectives as (1) being taken seriously when expressing her thoughts and feelings to mom and (2) saying “no” to mom’s inconsiderate request(s). After asking mom not to chime in until after she’s done sharing, Selena got mom’s consent to continue. (If mom refused, she planned to end the conversation using firm yet gentle language.)
Using assertive communication skills like “I” statements, Selena explains how mom’s actions impacted her during their conversation in the parking lot. She expresses that her commitment to their mother-daughter relationship can co-exist with her desire to explore dating. Selena acknowledges that their established weekly schedule may change and sets the expectation that she will sometimes say “no” to her requests.
Reflection Questions for Objectives Effectiveness: What specific action step(s) and/or outcome(s) do I want from this person or situation? How do I achieve that?
Self-Respect Effectiveness: Preserve & Strengthen Self-Respect
When it comes to self-respect, we are called to clarify our values and identify the beliefs that shape our view of ourselves and of others. These concepts serve as guideposts for our ethics and morals. They can empower us to navigate life in ways that feel authentic and intentional.
In prioritizing self-respect, Selena recalls having a discussion with a friend about a similar situation in which the roles were reversed. She notices that her body feels tense compared to the groundedness she felt in that moment. Selena reminds herself that she can’t have a productive conversation with mom when she’s in that headspace. She clearly informs mom of her intent to leave (and briefly shares the reasons why) and then immediately exits the car and walks to a nearby café to ground herself. Afterward, she feels calmer and grateful that she took time for herself rather than responding out of anger or frustration.
Reflection Questions for Self-Respect Effectiveness: How do I want to feel about myself after this social interaction? How will I know that I acted in accordance with my values? What actions will make me feel proud of myself later?
Getting Started
Interpersonal effectiveness helps us respond to situations with intentionality, according to our needs and priorities. Have you been struggling with a relationship or a social situation recently? Ask yourself which of these three areas is most important to you, and also which area is least important. That should help clarify what steps to take next (and maybe also where you might need to let go).
If you’re looking for support exploring this model more, working with a DBT-trained therapist like Alexis can help! Reach out to schedule a free consultation to see if we might be a good fit.
About the Author
Dr. Alexis López is a licensed clinical psychologist and Stella Nova’s Director of Clinical Operations. Alexis specializes in supporting women of color and adult children of immigrants to manage stress, anxiety, and the pressures of navigating multiple cultures at once. A self-professed “geek”, Alexis loves looking at stories and characters through the lens of mental health, and often brings a shared love of games, books, and movies to her work with clients.
If you’d like to learn more about working with Dr. López or any of the therapists at Stella Nova, you can schedule a free, 20-minute consultation to get started.
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